The decade is ending in a little under twenty days. I haven’t been this excited since Drake got a text from both Millie Bobbi Brown and Billie Eilish at the same time. So, it’s time to take a little look at both 2019 and the entire decade as a whole. Looking back, it’s funny how ten years ago I hated hip hop music. I was one of those dudes who couldn’t stop riding the dick of classic rock and looked to their dads as taste makers. I had the “rap is crap” mentality. They say people experiment in college, so that’s exactly what I did when I first heard Run the Jewels 2 in my freshman year. That being said, let’s talk hip hop.
I’ll paint the picture. You meet someone nice and ‘favorite rappers’ becomes a topic of conversation. Then, they ask you the question any hip hop fan should be prepared to answer on the spot: “Who is in your Top 5?” It’s, essentially, a hip hop vibe check. So, you list them out. They tell you they respect your choices. Then, they tell you their choices. Their first four choices are solid. Really. They’re all great rappers with significant bodies of work you enjoy and respect… except their number one. Now, when one of the two parties doesn’t ‘vibe’ with the other’s Top 5, it can become an argument with the potential to get heated. So, you try to say you’re not really that into— but you get cut off by their ramblings of how great they think this rapper is. They put forth their best arguments with a passionate tone and why they feel they’re the GOAT, but all you can think of is corn.
Yes, cornmeal, cornstalks, and ‘corny’ ass rappers. As long as rappers are rapping, not every bar will be as hard as bricks. Sometimes, a rapper can spit a bar that’s as soft as a kernel of boiled corn on the cob. The kind of bar that makes a person say, “… What?”
A brief history on the word’s slang connotation: in the late 1800s and early 1900s, the backs of seed catalogs would contain rather… lame or commonplace jokes. Sometimes they can be off-color and in bad taste and, in general, not cool. I don’t mean “not cool” as in “crossing the line” (although, you could also say that too), I mean “not cool” as in “lame”. Often these seed catalogs would sell seeds for all types of produce, such as corn. Thus, these corn seed catalogs were known to have corny jokes printed on them like the one I just made.
Within the context of hip hop, originality and credibility are what make up the foundations of a rapper’s persona and/or their mythos. Some rappers are hard; they rap about their struggles and how they overcame them. Rappers that fall under this category would be (early) Jay-Z, any member of the Wu Tang Clan that isn’t U-God, and Eminem before Encore. Some rappers are funny; they rap about humorous subject matter and launch the listener into hysterics. Rappers that fall under this category include Danny Brown, 2 Chainz, and not Lil Dicky. Some rappers are witty; the kind of rapper whose precise diction and clever wordplay gives the listener an incentive to pay more attention to their lyrics than other rappers. Rappers under this category include Kendrick Lamar, Earl Sweatshirt, Freddie Gibbs, and I can already hear a lot of you saying J Cole through the computer screen. Some rappers try to be one or all of these things and fail miserably. This happens because what they have to say isn’t all that clever or funny and ventures into “try-hard” territory. That’s when a rapper is labeled corny.
There have been enough corny bars throughout the 2010s to fill an entire corn field. Rappers left and right are saying just about anything hoping to get our attention. Well, if that’s what they want, I’m willing to give it to them, but they won’t like it. Before I declare who the Corniest Rapper of the Decade is, let’s review some of the 2010s’ corniest bars.
“I’m tryna move in my safe, like the safe was a safehouse” – Big Sean, “Dark Sky (Skyscrapers), Dark Sky Paradise, 2015
“She’s doing tricks with her pussy, I guess she’s a vagician” – Big Sean, “Alright” by Logic (feat. Big Sean), Under Pressure, 2014
“Why you gotta fight with me at Cheesecake? You know I love to go there” – Drake, “Child’s Play”, Views, 2016
“Semen on my space bar, fucking tired of Skype sex” – Childish Gambino, “R.I.P.”, Royalty, 2012
“Shout out to Asian girls, let the light dim sum” – Drake, “Over My Dead Body”, Take Care, 2011
“Rap is one of my fetishes, like a dragon that’s pregnant” – Jaden Smith, “A Calabasas Freestyle”, The Sunset Tapes: A Cool Story, 2018
“I’m the shit I’m fartin’, I don’t know how to potty” – Kodak Black, “Drowning” by A Boogie With a Hoodie (feat. Kodak Black), The Bigger Artist, 2017
“I’m the shit, I need some toilet pap-er” – Kodak Black, “Tunnel Vision”, Painting Pictures, 2017
“I’m the shit, babygirl, I got stains in my drawers” – Kodak Black, “Patty Cake”, Painting Pictures, 2017
“Shit on these niggas, I doo-doo/I’m passin’ gas like I farted/Boy, if you smelled it, you dealt it” – Kodak Black, “Big Boy Diamonds” by Gucci Mane (feat. Kodak Black and London on da Track), Woptober 2, 2019
“Fucked her in the ass and then I shitted on her” – Kodak Black, “No Meds”, Project Baby Two, 2017
“I’m the shit like I slithered in poo” – Hopsin, “Hop is Back”, Knock Madness, 2013
“Willy Wonka candy semen” – A$AP Ant, “Bath Salt” by A$AP Mob, Lord$ Never Worry, 2012
“I see fear, y’all some fucking queers” – A$AP Ant, “Bath Salt” by A$AP Mob, Lord$ Never Worry, 2012
“I’ll blow the brains out of your mind, and I ain’t talking ’bout physically, I’m talking ’bout mentally” – Quavo, “No Brainer” by DJ Khaled (feat. Justin Bieber, Lil Wayne, Chance the Rapper, and Quavo), Father of Asahd, 2018
“Nah you don’t want no drama, boy/I’ll eat a nigga ass like an almond joy” – Quavo, “Que” by Young Nigga (feat. Sonny Digital & Migos)
“Your booty is heavy duty like diarrhea” – Eminem, “Remind Me”, Revival, 2017
“You wanna know how I know I’m the shit? Cause I keep clogging up the toilet” – J Cole, “Disgusting”, Cole World, 2011
“Dick so big its like a foot is in yo mouth” – J Cole, “Planes” (feat J Cole) by Jeremih, Late Nights, 2015
“I’m hot, dog, catch up to me, nigga” – J Cole, “Apparently”, 2014 Forrest Hills Drive, 2014
“Martin Luther King would’ve signed to Dreamville” – J Cole, “Role Modelz”, 2014 Forrest Hills Drive, 2014
Okay, okay, a lot of these rappers are known to be rather corny. I would have included A$AP Ant’s entire verse from “Bath Salts if I could because the whole thing is straight corn. I will say, though, the hip hop game is overflowing with shit metaphors. Pa tum tiss. I’m sure you’re thinking, “good rappers are also corny.” No, they’re not, but they can be corny. Here’s a few good rappers being corny:
“Donald Trump, Donald Duck, what the fuck is the difference?” – Denzel Curry, “Sirens” (feat. JID), TA13OO, 2018
“My gun got diarrhea when it boop boop boop boop boop” – Denzel Curry, “Heartless”, 13, 2017
“Used to be my dawg, you was in my left titty” – Meek Mill, “Cold Hearted II”, Championships, 2018
“I’m the shit like my mama gave birth out her asshole” – Meechy Darko, “Vacation” by Flatbush Zombies(feat. Joey Bada$$), Vacation in Hell, 2018
“I’m on the toilet when I rhyme/if you the shit, then I decline” – Kendrick Lamar, “Rigamortis”, Section.80, 2011
“On my Proactiv shit/Pop dat pussy like a zit” – Lil Wayne, “Pop That” by French Montana (feat. Lil Wayne, Drake, and Rick Ross), Excuse My French, 2012
I wanna clarify that I’m aware Meek was referencing that Jadakiss line from a DMX song and, no, it wasn’t better when he said it, but see? Even your favorite rappers can be corny as hell. I imagine a lot of you reading this have had enough. Trust me, researching all these wore me to my last two brain cells, but even those were lost because there can only be one truly corny individual in this rap game. He goes by many names, but my name for him is Corniest Motherfucker of the Decade: Logic.
The bars speak for themselves…
“Who’s biracial only in his penis?!” – “Bobby”, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, 2019
“1-800 then I kill the pussy, who can relate?” – “Twisted” (feat. Logic) by French Montana, MONTANA, 2019
“I ain’t bipolar, Kanye make me wish I was cuz that level of genius the meanest” – “Pardon My Ego”, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, 2019
“1-800 made my bank account look like a phone number” – “Limitless”, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, 2019
“I ain’t playin games unless we talkin Fortnite” – “Keanu Reeves”, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, 2019
“I’d suck a dick just to prove it ain’t that way” – “Clickbait”, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, 2019
“I smoke weed so I’m trippy… get litty, get gritty, Rick Sanchez, get swifty” – “Lemon Drop”, Supermarket, 2019
“If it’s illegal to kill the pussy then book me with a crime” – “Lemon Drop”, Supermarket, 2019
“If you a crybaby bitch Ima fuck yo mom” – “Lemon Drop”, Supermarket, 2019
“I don’t sip the syrup, I got friends to lean on” – “BoomTrap Protocol”, Bobby Taratino II, 2018
“I feel like Thom, I feel I’m a fucking creep” – “I Love You Forever”, Supermarket, 2019
“I ain’t ashamed of my beautiful Mexican wife as a matter of fact I know you fucking with that” – “Black Spiderman”, Everybody, 2017
“’Cause I respect women/but let’s be real, man, there are some bad bitches out there” – “Mama/Show Love” (feat. YBN Cordae), Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, 2019
Well, I’ll start with a few things. Logic’s wife divorced him less than a year after her rapped the line about his “beautiful Mexican wife”. The bar about his bank account is in reference to his song “1-800 273 8255” about suicide awareness. Imagine bragging about how much money you made off of suicide awareness. You also probably noticed a majority of those quotes were from the two albums Logic dropped this year. That’s because Confessions of a Dangerous Mind is of the worst hip hop albums I’ve ever heard. Don’t let the decent production fool you, it’s legitimately bad. Supermarket is awful, too, and I chose those bars because they were rapped, but I acknowledge it’s not a hip hop album. These two records have some of the corniest shit I’ve ever heard and they both came out within a few months of each other on the last year of the decade. That’s one hell of an accomplishment.
If there’s one thing to take away from this article, it’s the dope restaurant I’m going to pair Logic’s corny ass music to. In my eyes, there’s only one place and that’s Amaize. Even the name of this place is corny, goddamn. This Doral gem is right on the intersection of 107th Avenue and NW 36th Street and makes delicious food on a budget. There is not a single item on the menu is more than $11. Is it made of corn and Venezuelan? They make it. Their specialty is in the art of the arepa, but they also make cachapas and rice bowls. They even make Sopa de Maíz. Want breakfast? They make breakfast arepas stuffed with eggs and cheese, and breakfast cachapas with maple syrup. Not feeling like an arepa for breakfast? They have breakfast platters. Hell, if you’re not feeling like having any of their six signature arepas, you can build your own! My go-to is the Shaggy, which has shredded beef and Gouda cheese. The arepa itself is crispy on the outside and fluffy on the inside. The juices of the shredded beef and the grease of the melted Gouda get absorbed in the masa of the arepa and come together so well. I know it sounds disingenuous to say my mouth isn’t watering as I’m writing this, but it totally is. I can’t recommend Amaize enough.
Logic, if you’re reading this, please know that it can only get better from rock bottom.
Taste Notes of Miami 